I Think I Must Be Crazy



My toddler is up at almost midnight, eating a giant marshmallow, wearing mismatched pajamas because all her sets need to be washed. My house is a mess and I just got through cleaning up after the puppy, who peed all over the carpet. Obviously, my plate is full. So then why, why, WHY do I want another child so badly?

It's something I can't talk about with anyone. I'm even afraid to blog about it. But I think about it all the time. Well, not ALL the time, but I would say I definitely think about it daily. I dream about finding out I'm pregnant, feeling that first kick, and going into labor. I research home birth in my spare time. I feel a pang in my heart when I see my friends post picture of their kids having a cute sibling moment. I feel like it's the perfect time for them to grow up close. 3 years apart, just like my brother and me.

But we can't. We barely have enough room living here as it is. We definitely don't have any money to spare. And we are busy all the time. I know we can't, but I just can't shake the longing. I tell myself that after I finish getting my degree (which will take about 4 years), I can get a good job, and we can move, then have another baby. That is the plan my husband and I have. But in the mean time, I can't help but hope and pray for an accident... I just know we could make it work. I just wish I could convince my husband of it, but of course I just start sounding selfish and crazy when I try. =(

My brothers and I, 14 years ago. We were and are really close. I want my daughter to know this bond...

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