The Endless Battle In My Mind

Should I go on medication? Should I let my daughter self-wean and THEN go on medication? Should we even keep trying to have another baby since I obviously need to be on medication and I don't want to subject an unborn or breastfeeding baby to serious psych meds?

Sigh... I'm having a bad week. I need to find some natural treatments for depression and/or bi-polar. Exercise is helping, but it isn't enough... I'm just so loathe to put those crazy meds into my body, even if I wasn't breastfeeding or trying to get pregnant.

I thought everything was going well. I definitely had a good stretch. But um, then a couple days ago... I texted my husband at work and told him I wanted to split up because he left a pair of dirty socks on the floor. Then I threw away all of his socks. Yep, I really did that, lol. Am I crazy, or what?!

I just read my 'about me' for this blog, which I wrote completely truthfully. Most of the time I do feel that way, but now it seems like a giant lie. I want to change it to: "Hi. I'm a 23 year old, messed up, depressed, bi-polar mother who is seriously considering dropping out of school and going on disability for life. I never succeeded at anything except being a good mom and sometimes I even screw that up. I am doing my best to ruin a perfectly beautiful marriage by constantly treating my amazing husband like crap. And I don't feel like I deserve anymore kids so I'm about to give up trying to conceive."

At least I realize that it's not true and I'll feel better soon. I just hate that I feel like that at least a few times a week. And I hate that I become a grouchy wife and an absent mother. My family deserves better. I hope they know I am sorry and I am trying so hard to improve. And I hope they know I love them more than anything and they give me the strength to fight this.

10 comments :

LisaWeidknecht said...

Hang in there and know that every mother has those feelings, bipolar or not.
Thank you for joining in the Planet Weidknecht Weekend Hop. I hope you gain many new followers and meet some new friends. Be sure to stop by next week and link up again.

Doreen said...

I will say some prayers for you. You are not messed up at all..the chemicals in your body just do not cooperate sometimes. Try some random acts of kindness for your husband.
Hang in there! My husband, brother and stepson suffer with bi-polar.
When I have trouble with my OCD my therapist suggest I research and write about my issues. Maybe that would work for you:)

XLMIC said...

As far as natural options go...

have you tried elimination diets? I had a good bit of success by cutting out wheat. Wheat makes me a moody, psycho bitch from hell.

And...
neurogistics.com.
Check them out. Nutritional supplements. They are changing my life.

you can email me if you want more info or moral support.

Vanessa said...

Ahhh mama, I wish I could give you a hug. :( I know what it is like to feel down and depressed. Sometimes, I too feel as if I am living a lie! :( Praying you can find the right answers and that you feel better soon!

Ellie-A Little of This and a Little of That said...

Hiya I'm Ellie from A Little of This and a Little of That blog and I found you through the Wild Weekend Blog Hop. I'm now your newest follower. You have a really nice blog. If you get a minute please stop by my blog and follow back. Have a great week!

Veronica Lee said...

Sending you hugs and prayers. Praying too that you will feel better soon.

Have a nice day!

Laura said...

Hang in there. Everyone feels like they are doing a crappy job at some point. You are doing the best you can and that is what counts. Thanks for joining us for Footloose and Fancy Free. Here is to a better week!

Lindsay said...

Everyone has their "crappy" moments. Hang in there and you'll be fine. Hugs!

Lindsay said...

I passed along the Versatile Blogger Award to you on my blog...hope you accept! :)

Camilleta said...

Thanks everyone! Thankfully, I feel much better ever since I wrote this! Venting always helps. =)