Should I go on medication? Should I let my daughter self-wean and THEN go on medication? Should we even keep trying to have another baby since I obviously need to be on medication and I don't want to subject an unborn or breastfeeding baby to serious psych meds?
Sigh... I'm having a bad week. I need to find some natural treatments for depression and/or bi-polar. Exercise is helping, but it isn't enough... I'm just so loathe to put those crazy meds into my body, even if I wasn't breastfeeding or trying to get pregnant.
I thought everything was going well. I definitely had a good stretch. But um, then a couple days ago... I texted my husband at work and told him I wanted to split up because he left a pair of dirty socks on the floor. Then I threw away all of his socks. Yep, I really did that, lol. Am I crazy, or what?!
I just read my 'about me' for this blog, which I wrote completely truthfully. Most of the time I do feel that way, but now it seems like a giant lie. I want to change it to: "Hi. I'm a 23 year old, messed up, depressed, bi-polar mother who is seriously considering dropping out of school and going on disability for life. I never succeeded at anything except being a good mom and sometimes I even screw that up. I am doing my best to ruin a perfectly beautiful marriage by constantly treating my amazing husband like crap. And I don't feel like I deserve anymore kids so I'm about to give up trying to conceive."
At least I realize that it's not true and I'll feel better soon. I just hate that I feel like that at least a few times a week. And I hate that I become a grouchy wife and an absent mother. My family deserves better. I hope they know I am sorry and I am trying so hard to improve. And I hope they know I love them more than anything and they give me the strength to fight this.