I Want This Body Back!

This is a picture from less than 6 months ago. I had finally gotten in shape after having Kaylee. But this only lasted a few months before I got pregnant again. I was thrilled and like when I got pregnant with Kaylee, I didn't worry about ruining my body at all. I figured I'd get it back into shape again sometime after I had the baby. But then... Miscarriage. Somehow... Losing my body for a miscarriage was not worth it. So on top of being depressed about losing the baby, I am depressed about my body being ruined "for nothing." And somehow I feel guilty too. For being depressed about it ruining my body if it wasn't going to grow and be born. Am I a terrible person for just wanting to forget the miscarriage at this point and have my body back? I don't know how to be done grieving without forgetting... How do you remember, but still be able to heal???

I have been exercising some days. I have the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and I have made some progress. Some part of me just wants to just stay depressed and fat because I obviously don't deserve a second child or happiness from life. But since that is ridiculous, I'm going to do this technique I heard about once (and actually thought it was stupid, but now I've reconsidered). It's basically listing you excuses for not getting something done and then seeing how you can neutralize each one. So here we go.

I don't have enough time to work out every day. 
I will stop playing Farmville and then I will! Hahah.
I forget.
I will put up notes around the house to remind me.
It's not part of my routine.
Kaylee loves when we go for morning walks so I will make this part of our routine. I will not get caught up in anything else besides eating and getting ready to go as soon as we wake up. Then before my evening shower I will do my work out video. This also takes care of the excuse of me hating to be sweaty.
I don't have enough energy.
I know that once I get started, I will feel more energized. Remember how I felt when I couldn't get up with Kaylee in the middle of the night but I did it anyway. I can be strong and do things that are hard, I know I can because I've done it before!
It's too hard to work out with Kaylee around.
I will bring her over to my mother's, put on the tv for her, or involve her. Working out interrupted by a toddler is better than not working out at all.
I feel like it is wasting time when I could be getting things done, paying attention to Kaylee, or having free time.
There is seriously nothing more important than my health and self-confidence. If I get less housework done, the world will not end. Kaylee can live without me for the 20 minute workout and will appreciate a healthier mom who has more energy and is less depressed. And free time is not going to make me as happy as being in shape again!

I may add to this later. Blogging about it really helps because I will be too ashamed to come on here tomorrow and say I didn't follow it!

As for the miscarriage grief/guilt, I still need to find a way to deal with that. I think talking to my mom about it will help. I'm spending some time with her tomorrow, so maybe I can talk to her then.

I will find my happy place in life again, I just know it!!!! And instead of complaining about Kaylee going down for a late nap and ruining her schedule, I'm going to go exercise right now!


Lindsay said…
You are not a horrible person for wanting that. It's such a hard thing to get back into shape and be consistent with it when you have kids. They take all your energy. My son is almost 3 and I JUST started getting back into a routine of working out...and it feels good. You just have to remember to stay motivated and on top of it. You can do it! :)
sara said…
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Don't feel bad about wanting your body back.

Things will get better it takes time.

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