Who Ever Thought I'd Be So Happy About Frequent Urination?

I am not allowing myself to test again until July 6. But I have a good feeling. =) I just hope I won't be too depressed if it comes back negative...

God, why didn't you save me?

Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "No thanks, God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "No thanks, God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

From the movie The Pursuit of Happyness.

Letter To My Toddler

I will play tea party with you all morning, even though I have a lot of things to do. I will always kiss you goodnight and cover you, making sure you are warm and safe, before I go to bed. I will get up as many times as you need me every night, responding without hesitation and without resentment.

I am your mama and I would do anything for you. To see you happy makes me happy. You are my heart. But sometimes, I will have to make you unhappy. It hurts me to realize that I can't always be your best friend, but there are things I will have to do because it's what's best for you.

I will hold you down and clip your nails, even if it makes you very unhappy, because I don't want you to get ingrown nails or scratch yourself. I will clean your cuts whether you like it or not, because I don't want you to get infections or scars. I will not let you have too many sweets, because I don't want you to be grow up unhealthy or get cavities.

There may be things you want, or things you want to do, that I will say no to. I won't do this just to be mean. I promise I will always explain my actions and never say "because I said so," and I will admit if I am wrong and apologize. I will always remind you how much I love and respect you, even if you ignore me or don't believe me.

You may not always like me, but I do everything I do out of love for you. I hope I can always be your friend, but I must protect you, and that is what always comes first. So even when you cry, hit me, and bite me... Or later on, when you glare, scream, and tell me you hate me... I will still do what is best for you, in the hopes that you will one day understand that I was being a good mom to you after all.

This Moment - Daddy and Kaylee

A Friday ritual (inspired by SouleMama).
A single photo--no words--capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your "moment" in the comments for all to find and see.



Another thing I have become a believer about, besides amber and hazelwood jewelry, is chiropractic care. I have this recurring ear pain which I've had checked out by multiple doctors. One gave me nose spray and ear drops, one said to take allergy medicine regularly, and one diagnosed the correct problem, I think (some sort of pressure and/or draining problem in the eustachian tube), but said the only real treatment for it was pain killers or surgery. So I went to the chiropractor and they checked me out, adjusted me, and I literally felt relief IMMEDIATELY. Like seconds after the adjustment. The constant dull ache was gone and I haven't had what I think of as a horrible pain episode since then. It is expensive but now we all go for regular adjustments. It helps with Steven's back pain (he has a physical labor job) and it helps Kaylee's sleep patterns. It's great! If ONLY it was covered by our insurance! At least it is covered by Steven's.

Amber and Hazelwood Jewelry

I've been on steroidal creams and tried every prescription out there for my eczema. I cut out an insane amount of things from my diet. Really, nothing helps. The only other thing that has really helped is ocean water.

I got the jewelry on hazelaid.com. I got a bracelet for myself and a necklace for Kaylee.

Here are the before pics of my eczema, taken June 3  (less than a month ago):

And after changing nothing in my routine but wearing the bracelet during the day, here are the after pics of the same areas:

As for Kaylee, I noticed the necklace seemed to help her drooling and teething discomfort, but as she refused to wear it after a few days, I can't really be sure if it was the necklace. I will try to get her to wear it again. Those 2 year molars take forever to come through, gosh!

Edit: Unfortunately, all of my blog pictures got deleted. I was able to restore most of them, but I did not have these backed up anyway. How dumb of me! But since my amber bracelet was chewed up by my dog, it is possible that my eczema will return. If that happens, I will order another bracelet, re-do this whole post, and link to it. If there is no link here, that means it didn't happen (yet). =) But yeah, listen. It really worked. It was practically a miracle! If you have eczema, you definitely need to get some amber and hazelwood jewelry!

I Know I'm Not Pregnant Yet...

(Well, I might be, I think I might have been ovulating yesterday and/or today ;) but yeah, I'm am already starting research on home birthing. And trying to break my husband into the idea! He's not completely opposed to the idea but he's going to need to have all his questions and worries addressed, which is fine. It's great, actually, the more we prepare, the better!

Absolutely no one is going to like it if we do choose to birth at home. But no one liked the birth center plan that we had with our daughter either. So, if they're going to disapprove anyway, we might as well go all the way, right? =D

In other news, I discovered a great, cheap summer fun idea. The sandbox was $6 something, the bag of sand was $6 something, and my daughter LOVES it. She will play in there by herself with shells, and she likes to "rescue" our feet from sinking in the "quicksand" hahaha.

Mixed Feelings Keeping Me Awake At 2AM

Things That I Am Happy For:
There were no accidents today! I loved not having to clean up toddler and/or puppy pee on the carpet the whole day, it felt like a vacation.
Kaylee went to bed at midnight. (This doesn't sound that great but she's been going to bed at 4AM lately, so yeah.)
We are finally trying for a second baby!!!!!!!! =)

Things That Are Depressing Me:
I'm not pregnant yet. I looked at that test every minute for like an hour.
I'm afraid no one will approve of us getting pregnant.
I am worried I will have a miscarriage like last time (4 months ago).

This Moment - Aries and Kaylee Sleeping on the Couch

A Friday ritual (inspired by SouleMama).
A single photo--no words--capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your "moment" in the comments for all to find and see.


My Husband Is Going to Come Home From Work

To find me sitting in a corner, covering my head, muttering, "Pee... towels... wash... dry... fold... pee... pee everywhere..."

I swear, my daughter and my puppy walk around purposely while peeing on the floor. And I don't know how their small bladders can hold so much pee. It's everywhere, it's EVERYWHERE........

My First Project

This is my first attempt at making a doll. I can't look at him without cracking up.
A close up of my amazing sewing skills and the blood I got all over him when I poked my finger.
Oh well, Kaylee likes him.
She sees beauty even in the most ugly creature, hahah.
If she didn't like him so much I would recycle him and turn him into stuffing for the next doll lol.

Ok, I'm Joining in The Fun and Getting Crafty =)

I'm going to try making a doll as my first project... If that fails, I'll make a small pillow. ANYONE can make a small pillow! Even me, I think.

My Beautiful Baby

You look up at me
With the wise eyes of an old soul
You hold onto me
With a tiny, perfect hand
You sleep in my arms
With complete trust and innocence

I hold you gently
And finally understand love
I stroke your soft skin
And feel so grateful for this life
I kiss your fuzzy head
And whisper unbreakable promises

I will watch you grow
I will always be there
I will teach you what I can
I will protect you with my life
And I will love you no matter what
My beautiful, beautiful baby

There Is A Such Thing As Being TOO MUCH Of A Daddy's Girl

We went to the mall today. We have been having a big problem with Kaylee running off in public places lately. My husband can't watch her at all in public without getting a good work out. She only listens to me, which we recognize as a problem, but don't know how to go about fixing it. I am more comfortable being strict. I won't hesitate to say sharply, "Do NOT run away from me, that's dangerous!" and she will generally come back and say, "Ok," cheerfully and hold my hand. With Daddy, she will ignore him, and he just chases her around. I tried to force him to be more of a disciplinarian one time, and he told her something in a very firm voice. She burst into tears. He picked her up and apologized. She was immediately fine. It's obvious to me that she has him wrapped around her little finger! Another example of this is I will say no to something, she will ask him in a cute voice, and he gives it to her. I have to run and tell him, "If Kaylee asks you for another popsicle, don't say yes, I already said no!" or the one popsicle a day rule goes down the drain. I wish we could find a way to balance things out more. Sometimes I feel doomed to become the mean old disciplinarian mom while he is the best dad ever. I have asked other people about this, but they brush it off, saying girls always favor their dads, while moms spoils their boys. This can't be true, can it?! I don't want her to resent me... And I want her to listen to her dad so I can go shopping occasionally!!!!

A Milestone: Showing The Ability To Think Ahead

In other words, being able to form evil plots and play tricks on people.

"Let's play ring-around-the-rosie, mommy!"

We sing, we all fall down, Kaylee dives into my lap and under my shirt in one swift movement. Before I even realize what has happened, she is latched on.

Was this opportunistic? I think not. I think it was alllll in her little plan. Not that I am trying to wean her, but we just had a conversation about how my nursies wanted to rest for a couple hours, and she had agreed that we would eat sandwiches for lunch. But the angelic "yeahs" and smiles were all a ploy!

On another day, she brings me her doll. She tells me, "Dolly is sick. She needs a popsicle to make her feel better." Mhm. There goes the one popsicle a day rule... How can I say no to a sick dolly?

Her intelligence astounds me. Her sneakiness scares me... And reminds me of myself. I have a new found respect-mixed-with-sympathy for my mother.

Lessons Learned

I was reading my blog posts from a year ago and before, and I felt a self-pity I never felt before. I felt sorry for my former self. I wasn't as strong as I was now. I felt completely out of control of my life. I wish I could go back and tell myself, everything will be ok. You will get stronger, you will fight for what you and your family needs, and you will get it. A year from now, you will be an actual, functioning adult. You will have your own place with your husband and daughter. She will grow into a beautiful 2 and a half year old in a loving, safe environment. You will be a real family. You'll pay the bills, eat dinner together, go for nature walks, and have true happiness.

If I could go back, I would say, don't be afraid to be hope. And never give up, you CAN have everything you dream of, if you work for it. But I guess those are lessons you can only learn by living life. I can only hope I remember this when I'm trying to teach my daughter things she really must learn on her own...

In Response To Comments Against Breastfeeding In Public...

I just need to rant. Because reading/hearing negative things about NIP makes me SO SO SO angry!

I have breastfed my daughter on airplanes, on a train, in Disney World, in Mexico, on the beach, at the pool, at the grocery store, at the mall, in a shoe store... The list goes on. I will feed her anywhere she is hungry. I can't stay in the house, or retreat to a dirty bathroom, or a cold/hot car, when she is hungry. That is not fair to either of us. And NO she would not accept a bottle. Breastfeeding is FEEDING OUR BABIES. Feeding our babies should be normal, accepted, and encouraged, no matter where the mother and baby are. Breastfeeding is a human rights issue! Don't mess with my rights as a human, please.

And I see boobs showing in many public places, have you ever walked through the mall and seen a freaking Victoria Secret with the giant images of women naked except for skimpy bras and panties????? Yeah, if you have a problem with boobs showing, go boycott a Victoria's Secret. Don't tell me not to feed my baby unless you wanna fight, cuz I'm ready, let's go! And just think about how sad of a world it is where the normal way of feeding a baby is not considered normal!

Got this picture from http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hot-mamas-make-warm-milk/118134314932214

Life Is Changing For The Better =)


We got our credit card in the mail, so we can start building credit. (We don't have bad credit, we just don't have ANY credit.)

I am starting a martial arts class at the gym!

I'm doing my best to overcome my fear of driving and get my license.

We are just going to go out and buy a clothes dryer. We decided to stop waiting for Dave (my stepdad / our landlord) to get us one. He's obviously too busy with his new job to get it done. This will take a huge amount of stress off of me when I can do our laundry from home.


I am getting my tooth pulled and replaced with an implant. This will help me out a LOT because I have horrible recurring tooth aches. I'm talking worst pain I've ever experienced, including labor and broken arms.

I'm going to school full time in September.

Kaylee is starting daycare / an early learning program.


We are planning on moving out of this teeny tiny apartment into our own actual house! As soon as we build some credit and save up some money, we'll start looking. =)

I got Steven to say 'maybe' on the trying for another child within the next year!!!! This, more than anything, seems to help my persisting depression (worse than usual lately). I have always had the strong desire for Kaylee to grow up with a sibling. I know it will be challenging, but I also know we can make it work!

Me Without You

Music without a beat
Fire without heat
An ocean without a shore
A room without a door
Locks without keys
Honey without bees
A fish without a fin
Flesh without skin
A bird without wings
A guitar without strings
Day without light
Eyes without sight
A mother without her child
A wolf without the wild
Life without breath
A funeral without death
The sky without blue

I Think I Must Be Crazy

My toddler is up at almost midnight, eating a giant marshmallow, wearing mismatched pajamas because all her sets need to be washed. My house is a mess and I just got through cleaning up after the puppy, who peed all over the carpet. Obviously, my plate is full. So then why, why, WHY do I want another child so badly?

It's something I can't talk about with anyone. I'm even afraid to blog about it. But I think about it all the time. Well, not ALL the time, but I would say I definitely think about it daily. I dream about finding out I'm pregnant, feeling that first kick, and going into labor. I research home birth in my spare time. I feel a pang in my heart when I see my friends post picture of their kids having a cute sibling moment. I feel like it's the perfect time for them to grow up close. 3 years apart, just like my brother and me.

But we can't. We barely have enough room living here as it is. We definitely don't have any money to spare. And we are busy all the time. I know we can't, but I just can't shake the longing. I tell myself that after I finish getting my degree (which will take about 4 years), I can get a good job, and we can move, then have another baby. That is the plan my husband and I have. But in the mean time, I can't help but hope and pray for an accident... I just know we could make it work. I just wish I could convince my husband of it, but of course I just start sounding selfish and crazy when I try. =(

My brothers and I, 14 years ago. We were and are really close. I want my daughter to know this bond...

The Joys Of Potty Training a Toddler and a Puppy

My daughter is having some potty training regression and peed on the floor, which made the carpet smell like pee to my puppy, who then started regressing, too. Now I've used up all the towels in my house trying to clean it up, but my house still smells like pee. And now I have 5 loads of laundry to do... Well, pee disasters are preferable to poop disasters, at least.

Kaylee and Aries, partners in crime.
They work together to keep me up all night doing laundry, hahah.

This Moment - Daddy and Kaylee On A Nature Walk

A Friday ritual (inspired by SouleMama).
A single photo--no words--capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your "moment" in the comments for all to find and see.


Why No One Accepts Me Into Their Parenting Circles

My husband, toddler, and I go to the chiropractor regularly.

We go to McDonald's sometimes. My 2 year old loves their fries.

My daughter and I don't eat dairy. We buy almond milk, sorbet, Earth Balance, etc.

I have no problem letting my daughter have cake at birthday parties or candy on Halloween.

I check labels for preservatives and artificial sweeteners when we go grocery shopping. (And I have known how to pronounce hydrogenated oil since I was 8 hahahah.)

I never wore my daughter. (Interested in figuring it out with any future children we may have, though!)

I'm still breastfeeding my 2 year old. (And I was breastfed until I was 7 myself!)

I didn't use cloth diapers. (Again, I am very interested in this for my future kids!) But I always search for the biodegradable disposable diapers.

I pierced my daughter's ears when she was 14 months old. (Now that I'm more educated, if I have another daughter, I won't do it again. But I don't really regret it, it has caused my little one no problems and she likes them.)

I don't believe in circumcision. I feel that it's infant torture and genital mutilation. However, I don't blame mothers who do circumcise. I feel absolutely nauseous when I think about a baby boy being circumcised but I don't fault the mother for her beliefs. I think it's just sad that mothers think this is normal and healthy for their little boys.

I am a lactivist! I am like super lactivist. I post pro-breastfeeding things on my Facebook. I nurse in public all the time. BUT I don't hate formula. I used formula to supplement. I don't think formula is poisonous or the devil. I don't look down on formula feeders. If they tried to breastfeed and failed, 99% of the time it was due to lack of support from family, friends, society in general, and the medical personal they turned to for help. If they did not even try, it was probably due to the extreme disapproval of others, and the fact that many view it as obscene. I'm sure hardly a single mother chose formula for a selfish reason.

Half the time, my daughter sleeps in my bed with my husband and I, and occasionally a dog or two. I do try to get her to sleep in her own bed, though. We are not strict about it but we do like our own space sometimes. =P

I don't believe in cry it out or any sort of sleep training.

I love the outdoors and I think we need daily fresh air to be healthy. We love to go on nature walks as a family.

I do let my daughter watch tv, as long as it's geared toward kids her age.

I don't believe in spanking, yelling, threatening, scaring, or lying to a child. I do believe in discipline, rules, and clear limits. For punishment, I do time outs where we go sit away from everyone else and do nothing.

I am all for gay rights. I have gay friends and family members and they are close to my daughter. I don't think they are a bad influence or anything. Also, I am bisexual, and I am open about it.

I am for women's rights, but see nothing wrong with stay at home moms. I think women genetically might actually be meant to stay at home and take care of the home and raise children. I would fight right along side of Susan B. Anthony, if I had the chance, for a woman's right to work and vote. I completely respect and admire working moms, and I want to have a career myself, but sometimes I feel a deep pull to just stay home and raise children.

We have a selective, delayed vaccine schedule.

We try to eat as healthy as possible, but can't afford to go all the way, so we pick and choose. And I don't mind if my husband gets his beef jerkey and chips, that's his choice and it brings him happiness. I will buy a pastry from 7-Eleven when I get a craving, too. ;)

We limit meat eating but are not planning on going fully vegetarian.

We use homeopathy. I love Rescue Remedy!!! And Hyland's Teething Tablets are amazing. We try to avoid conventional medicine, but we don't avoid it like the plague or anything.

I drink coffee, even though I'm breastfeeding. I don't see it affecting my daughter, and I'm really addicted to it, so I don't see the point in stopping. It just causes me to have bad headaches when I do. I don't know how I managed to stop while pregnant and for most of the first year of breastfeeding!

We're not religious. My husband is agnostic. I am very spiritual. I was raised Jewish, I have studied Judaism, Christianity (a few sects of it, anyway), Wiccanism, and Paganism. I've sort of settled on just being very into positive energy and recognizing a higher power but not knowing what it is exactly. I pray, send good energy into the universe, and do the occasional spell (similar to a prayer but with metaphorical items to help convey the message).

I saw a midwife when I was pregnant. I didn't feel comfortable with a home birth or a hospital birth. I wanted something in the middle so I was going to have her in a birthing center. However, we had a car accident when I was at 42 weeks and ended up having to do an emergency induction to make sure she didn't have any injuries. (She was born perfectly healthy, vaginally, by the way!) I am set on having a natural birth at home next time around!!!!!! I do want some tests done during pregnancy to make sure everything is alright, though.

I probably have a mental disorder or two, but I don't believe in psych meds, at least not for myself. I think its a personal decision and I don't want it for myself. Sometimes when I get depressed, and my husband and daughter must deal with it, I feel guilty and begin to consider maybe seeing a psychiatrist. SO, we'll see what happens with that!

And last but not least, I have 2 dogs and a chinchilla. One of my dogs is a pit bull. Yes, I let them around my daughter. All 3 of our pets have yet to hurt her and I think growing up caring for animals is important.

See? I don't fit in anywhere! What's a semi-crunchy mama to do?

Stuck In The Middle

A lot of the time, I feel stuck in the middle between natural and mainstream parenting. I see things from both side, and I have friends on both sides. I am a mix of the two styles, though really I have my own unique style that has to also mesh with my husband's, so it's even more unique. We try to buy healthy food, but we're not at the point where we can afford organic and everything. We pick and choose. Depending on the day, what we have for dinner may make my natural friends puke, or make my mainstream friends raise an eyebrow and talk about me behind my back about what a crazy hippie I am!

Sometimes I secretly judge my mainstream friends and think, "I would never let me kid have that, how unhealthy!" but on a different day I might think, "That is just going too far! I don't have the money and time to be that natural!" about things that my natural friends like. But then I realize that that is what works for them, and I am happy to let them have their way of life, while I have mine. I am just hoping and praying that the people I care about are as accepting toward me!

I just want everyone to accept each other and realize that while we have different lifestyles and different parenting styles, we can all get along and be friends! I want us to all throw away our pride and learn from each other. I want us to admit that we are not perfect and constantly try to improve ourselves. I want us to educate ourselves and have open minds! Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like this is a realistic hope, and I like to think I can help make it come true. Change can start with just one person! =) I refuse to choose one "side" and hate the rest of the parents!