I Spend Most Of The Day...

...laying on the couch, doing nothing, because of morning sickness and exhaustion (oh the delights of the first trimester). This allows many thoughts to pass through my head. The ones I had today were:

Why doesn't someone put Dino Dan on some schizophrenia medication?
Is it okay for my almost 3 year old to eat 2 oranges and Ramen noodle soup for dinner?
Will the house continue to get messier and messier or will it hit a rock-bottom messy point?
Isn't it a little early for a Sesame Street episode about Hannukah and Christmas?
How the heck does Facebook know to suggest this person as my friend?!?!?!?!
Am I a bad mom if my daughter gets so bored that she spends an hour emptying and re-filling her piggy bank?
Is boredom really a good excuse to take off all your clothes and pee on the couch?
Have they invented a way to transplant this baby into my husband's body yet?!
Will a sudden increase in watching tv melt our brains?
Are these thoughts a sign that my brain has already melted?????

I don't know if I will survive this pregnancy, people. I'm going crazy! (Well, crazier. >_>) Kaylee goes off to school on Monday, since her cold is all gone now. Lucky kid.

Naaaammeesss

Soooo yeah. I have this slight obsession with names. I had this list before we were ever even thinking of trying to conceive. I have perfected it today, and just in time too. I'm almost 9 weeks along! Hahahah.

Here it is, at BabyNames.com. (LOVE THAT SITE!) You can vote, if you want to. ;)

Ugggghhhh

I forget when I last wrote. I've had the flu. It's really hard for me to tell if I'm better today and now I'm just having pregnancy symptoms or not. Having the flu when you're prego is just awesome. I've been trying to rest mostly but have been forcing myself to do laundry and dishes. Then I had like an emotional breakdown which made my husband and daughter try to tidy up the house. (And steer clear of me the rest of the night.) I should probably feel bad about that but I'm really glad they cleaned up.

I finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer the other night. As in I watched all 7 seasons in order over the past year and yesterday I watched the very last episode. Yeah, I know, some people have hobbies. Anyway, the last episode involved them turning all potential slayers into active slayers. My first thought was, oh my gosh no! Think of all the toddlers with super strength that will now wreck the world! Becoming a mom has really ruined all tv shows for me lol.

You know what's really weird for me? Not breastfeeding or changing a diaper all day. We had the first day where Kaylee did not nurse or have an accident the entire day. It felt like a pivotal moment in history or something. Especially since I have been super lazy and taking advantage of any time she agrees to wear diapers so I don't have to take her to the potty, or nurse so I get a moment of not having to stop her from climbing the furniture or putting small objects up her nose. Yeah, I know that was an awful run-on sentence.

Prego Mom Ramblings

Ok, I am between 7 and 8 weeks now. Definitely starting to feel symptoms. Nausea, revulsion to certain foods, exhaustion. If I can get beans into my system, it helps the nausea. Lots of small meals helps. Minty gum if it gets bad. I worry about getting enough nutrients but at this point I eat what I can. It's better than nothing. I'm not eating enough, but yeah, somehow I am still gaining weight. The first trimester; that magical time when you can't keep anything down but still manage to get fat! Well, either that or I'm extremely bloated. I've given up on jeans already in favor of sweatpants. I feel like people are staring at me, wondering if I'm trashy or ill, but I'm probably just being ridiculous. Who cares, anyway. I've found that I care a lot less the second time around. Besides, I'm too tired to care about much. I use up all the energy I have taking care of myself and Kaylee. I haven't cleaned my house in days, have not exercised in weeks, and yesterday we spent the entire afternoon watching Nick Jr. Low point was stepping on a kiwi. That was very squishy. Who knew there'd be a kiwi hiding in all the toys on the floor?

Kaylee has pretty much weaned herself. My milk started disappearing almost immediately after I got pregnant. She still nurses when she wakes up from a nap and in the morning. I don't know how much milk she is getting but lately she has been eating me out of house and home. So I can only assume she was getting a whole lot of milk before this. I feel bad that she had to wean kind of abruptly but she's almost 3 so I think she's fine. I make sure we do a lot of cuddling, reading, etc. to make up for the lack of the bonding time nursing gave us and it's going pretty good. More grieving on my side than hers, that's for sure. I miss being able to pop her on and get some quiet time.

Another thing Kaylee has decided she ready to do is potty-train. We actually started letting her experiment with the potty at 14 months. She peed on it a few times and we were pretty excited. She liked to do it as a trick. Slowly she began doing it more and she even started pooping on it. Everything progressing as it was supposed to but then she turned 2 and decided no more. She let me know that she preferred going in her diaper because it was easier. She was pretty adamant about not sitting on the potty and would literally tell me in a rebellious voice that she was about to pee in her undies. So we gave it a break and went back to diapers. Then she started preschool and they make a big deal about potty-training there. New environment, seeing that her friends were doing it, and she caught on. For a while she only went potty at school but today we ran out of diapers and I put her in undies. This has happened a few other times and it ended pretty badly. But this time, she did fine. No accidents, and she told me when she had to go. We even went to the store. It figures that she already had the ability but just wanted to do it on her time. She's my daughter, after all!

I'm still feeling pretty depressed and anxious, which I think has been worsened by some in law drama. I'm feeling a little better today. Here's hoping I feel even better tomorrow. It sure sucks when you feel bad physically AND emotionally!

Autumn (and Depression)

I love Autumn. The smells, seeing the leaves change, wearing sweaters and jeans, playing outside in the brisk air... It's a beautiful time of year.

This Autumn, I found out I was pregnant. After months of trying, wishing, praying... I can't tell you how happy I was to see that positive test. Every time I think of it growing inside my belly, safe and protected, I feel so lucky and blessed. I'm so thankful for every day of morning sickness. So thankful for every day that passes and I see no blood, the fear of losing this one disappears a little bit more.

Then Steven and I had our third wedding anniversary yesterday. I'm amazed that we've been married 3 years and together for 4 and a half! I'm amazed that every time I look at him, I feel any negative feelings I may be harboring slip away. His voice makes me feel calm. His laugh makes me feel happy. Just chatting or watching tv with him and I feel how much I am in love with him. 3 years of marriage has only made me love him more. I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet him.

Thanksgiving is coming up. I love Thanksgiving. My aunts are coming in from Tennessee, I can't wait to see them. And I can't wait to eat all of that yummy food, especially my mom's homemade gravy! I eat that stuff every single year, even the years I was a vegetarian.

After that, it will be my birthday. Presents, cake, everyone treating me special. What's not to like? I'll be 24 which isn't that exciting but hey it's another year I've been here, endured, learned, grew, and matured. I will never not feel like celebrating that!

Mom and I hope to have the business up and going by the New Year. Her mouth is healing nicely from the dental surgery and she's back up and on her feet. We're about to start ordering the supplies and clothes. I'm pretty excited, I have a lot of ideas and can't wait to see how they work out.

Despite all the good things going on, I've been having a bad couple of days, bi-polar wise. I'm waiting for the upswing and just fighting the depression with all I have. I am not letting it get to the point of severe depression this Fall and Winter. The cold months usually get me down and this year, I swear, I'm just NOT going to let it. I am blessed with so much and I just don't accept that an invisible disease is going to stop me from enjoying it all.

December 3, 1975

This is a letter that my grandpa received after making a donation to a senior citizen home for (I believe) widows of veterans. Warning, explicit language.


Dear Sir,

          My name is Mildred Barnes. I am 72 years old, and I have been a patient here for 8 years.
          I am writing to thank you for your generous donation which let me buy a radio for my bedside. My room-mate Hattie Jones, has had a radio for 4 years, but she played it so low I could never hear it. She is 79 years old.
          You have no idea how much a little thing like a radio can mean to a person in my condition. It certainly helps to pass the lonely hours. I have few friends and get no mail.
          Three days ago Hattie dropped her radio on the floor and it won't play anymore. She asked me to turn my radio up so she could hear it and I told her to go fuck herself. Thank you again.

                                  Yours truly,
                                        Mildred Barnes

Well I don't know about you but that cracked me up! One of the many gems my grandma has hiding in her house hahah.

Moving Forward

With a second baby on the way and the new business getting started, I've decided to drop out of college, at least for now. I feel aimless in college anyway. None of my classes are preparing for me for anything I will have to do in real life. If this business doesn't pan out and I go back to my plan of being a dog trainer, I don't see how the degree in Animal Behavior is going to help me at all. And I don't think I can take 4 years learning about animal anatomy, the behavior of a bunch of random animals, cell reproduction, mating rituals of moles, etc. What really helps a dog trainer is hands on experience. Actual years working for a dog trainer or a dog training company. But yeah, for now, I'll be focusing on the clothes business. I believe that you should do what you love and what makes you happy. I'm not the driven, money oriented type and I can't pretend to be anymore. My family will be just fine, I'm sure we will get by somehow. I don't know why everyone thinks you have to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your family. I want both! And I don't want to ever have any regrets that I didn't try something that could have been good.

A Day With Grandma

We just got back from shopping at Walmart with my grandma. She decided to pay for our stuff, and I thought it was for simplicity's sake and we'd pay her back, but she wouldn't let me. So that was really nice of her. She ended up buying me some clothes and shoes, and Kaylee some clothes and toys. =)

On the way back, she told us some stories. Today she told us about the Holocaust. (Kaylee fell asleep almost as soon as we left, so she couldn't hear...) Anyway, apparently Grandma was about 12 and living with her 10 brothers and sisters above her widowed mother's restaurant in New York City. They had word that her mother's entire family was killed in either Romania or Poland. I never knew that before today.

And on a semi-related note, my grandpa brought back a Nazi skull from when he was fighting in the army. That and a stuffed dog that my grandma had as a pet for 19 years are both in my grandma's apartment as we speak. I can't imagine what the maintenance men think when they come into fix a leak or whatever. I grew up around this kind of stuff so I considered it normal, no wonder I'm so messed up! Hahah.

This Moment - My Kids!

A Friday ritual (inspired by SouleMama).
A single photo--no words--capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your "moment" in the comments for all to find and see.
=)



Flashback Friday - 1989



Flashback Friday is where I post an old photo. :) It may be from 6 months ago or from 60 years ago. It may be me, my family, or possibly just something random. If you have something similar on your blog, please comment and link me to it!  


Me as an adorable toddler. =P

Me and my mom. =)

I Forgot Halloween!

I forgot to post our Halloween pics! I will do that right now for a second Wordless Wednesday lol. And since this is the first year I've had a blog, I'll just post last year's Halloween and Kaylee's very first Halloween, too. =) Unfortunately, they are not the best quality. One year, I did not have a camera, the next year mine broke and hadn't been replaced yet, and this year I left it at my grandma's house! How that for bad Halloween picture luck. =( Oh well, I still have the memories!

2011:











2010:





2009:



[Mostly] Wordless Wednesday!!

Our fridge. =)

What my husband was convinced was a false positive lol!

Pats for Arie Berry.

This would be a great pic if it was with my camera instead of my phone. =(

Kaylee with her elephant, Arin (sp?).

My pretty boy.

At the park, about to go for our walk.

Nap time.

Just call me Harriet Potter... I cut my head on the corner of the wall in the garage.  Don't ask me how I do these things. -_-

Doing The Hokey Pokey.

Lol.

Daddy was doing the Hokey Pokey too but I wasn't allowed to take pictures. >=/

Hugs for Daddy!

First Ultrasound

Dropped Kaylee off at school this morning... It went well. She was crying but insisted that she did in fact want to stay. She was sort of giving herself a pep talk to stop crying and telling herself that she was going to have fun with her friends. The sobbing died down to a sniffle/whine, and she said goodbye to me and told me to have a nice day, so I left. The leaving never gets any easier for me, no matter the circumstances. >_<

So then we were off to get my ultrasound. I have been disappointed for 3 mornings in a row because I had been waiting since Thursday to go to the doctor and confirm my pregnancy. Steven was gone for work until Saturday and then I had to wait out the weekend because nowhere is open on the weekend, of course. I called on Monday morning, first thing, but I wasn't able to get an appointment that day, which really isn't surprising but I was still disappointed. Then I went in Tuesday morning and after much waiting, form filling out, water drinking, and FINALLY peeing, they told me that all they'd be doing today was labs. I had to "call this number" for an ultrasound. I was so mad, but I was happy that I got in the next day. So anyway, we went today, and they COULD NOT FIND ANYTHING! After a lot of reassuring that everything was almost positively okay, they decided that meant I was 5 weeks along, according to my urine test and the fact that they couldn't see it yet on the ultrasound. They gave me the approximate due date of July 1. So I'm pretty excited, I'm having dreams of a summer baby already. But I am still worried, and until they tell me it's definitely in there and growing well, I think I will remain uneasy. I am going to have a blood test tomorrow and check my hormone levels, so hopefully that will make me feel better. You know, after I pass out and throw up because of my needle phobia.

Other than that, life is still stupid. We are STILL waiting to hear if Steven can be transferred closer to home. We are extremely broke this week. I can't wait to get money to go food shopping this Saturday. I am going to buy so many fresh foods and just eat them raw. I have been eating canned and boxed food all week! There's drama with the in laws and some other crap going on that I won't bother to get into. Oh well, nothing so bad we can't keep our sense of humor. Steven just left for work after we picked Kay up from school and he won't be back until Saturday afternoon. I'll probably be missing him and really miserable due to lack of good food and transportation during that time. Soo yeah, there may be a grouchy rant post sometime soon.

Happy Hump Day, everyone! Hope it's better than mine. Though honestly, I'm not doing too bad. The general happiness of being pregnant is above all the other stuff! After everything we have been through this year, I am just so grateful every second to be pregnant again. I don't care how tiny of a peanut I have in my belly, I love it already. =)