Conversations with my Family

So the other day, this was my family playing poker. Grandma, Dave (my stepdad), Mom, and Zeke (my little brother, 16 years old) were playing in the family room. I am in the next room over, the kitchen, doing the dishes. I live next door and do the dishes there because my dish washer is broken, but I digress. So anyway, this is what I'm listening to while doing the dishes.

Dave: You're babying him! Make him play by the rules.

Mom: Well, he's my baby! And he's never played poker before, he didn't know that rule.

Dave: Yes he did, he plays poker with his friends all the time!

Mom: That's not real poker with real rules.

Zeke: I don't want the money just because of your pity anyway, Mom. I only want to win fair and square.

Grandma: Yeah, make him play by the rules! You spoil the hell out of that boy.

Mom: I thought we talked about this earlier, Mom. Let's not get into this again.

Grandma: Yeah well, I still say if we were both drowning, you would save him, and leave me to die!

Mom: I'm going to quit.

Zeke: Okay come on everyone, let's just play another hand. Mom won this hand, she can have the money.

Dave: This is ridiculous! Camille, do you want a grape?

Me: Huh, do I want a drink? What kind of drink.

Dave: A good kind.

Me: *goes into the family room* Oh, you said a grape. I thought you said a drink.

Mom: Oh, do you want a drink? I can make you a screw driver.

Me: Um, no thanks. I'll have a smoothie if you want to make one though.

Mom: Oh, with vodka in it?

Me: No, just a smoothie...

Grandma: Everyone always ignores me like I don't even matter! I should have known we couldn't play cards without you getting up, Renee (my mom). You always do this to me!

I left shortly after that. I never got my smoothie... Then, this was a different time in the past few days.

Grandma: *completely out of the blue, they weren't even having a conversation* Steven (my husband), I still say you should get a vasectomy. It's much easier than Cami (me) getting her tubes tied.

Steven: We want more kids.

Grandma: No, you have your hands full. Just have them do a vasectomy.

Steven: This is something for Camille and I to decide together.

Grandma: Okay then, just keep your pecker to yourself. At least wait until Cami gets her degree!

Then, yesterday, we're in the car. It's sort of a long story why my brother, grandma, husband, daughter, and I were all going food shopping together, but just accept that we were. First and last time we ever do that!

Zeke: *free style rapping about saggy grandma boobs*

Grandma: I hear you talking about me! I heard you say "grandma" twice.

Me: He's just singing a song about grandmas in general. It's not specifically about you.

Zeke: It is specifically about her.

Grandma: What?

Me: Nothing.

Zeke: "Yo, Grandma's boobs sag to the flo' but Grandpa don't care, he's ready to go!"

Me: Aiyaiyai.

Steven: *silent, as a rule he does not talk and tries to meditate whenever he is in the car with any of my family members*

Kaylee: *asleep, luckily, or she'd be repeating the boob rap, and that's all I need when she already does the Kanye West rap from the song ET by Katy Perry*


Viki said…
"Okay then, just keep your pecker to yourself"

hahaha priceless!
This made my day :)
Beautiful Mess said…
I am DYING about the grandma rap!

"It is specifically about her" omg.

And your hubby is smart about not saying anything!
Pam List said…
What a great bunch of banter. I am digging the Grandma rap.


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