So the other day, this was my family playing poker. Grandma, Dave (my stepdad), Mom, and Zeke (my little brother, 16 years old) were playing in the family room. I am in the next room over, the kitchen, doing the dishes. I live next door and do the dishes there because my dish washer is broken, but I digress. So anyway, this is what I'm listening to while doing the dishes.
Dave: You're babying him! Make him play by the rules.
Mom: Well, he's my baby! And he's never played poker before, he didn't know that rule.
Dave: Yes he did, he plays poker with his friends all the time!
Mom: That's not real poker with real rules.
Zeke: I don't want the money just because of your pity anyway, Mom. I only want to win fair and square.
Grandma: Yeah, make him play by the rules! You spoil the hell out of that boy.
Mom: I thought we talked about this earlier, Mom. Let's not get into this again.
Grandma: Yeah well, I still say if we were both drowning, you would save him, and leave me to die!
Mom: I'm going to quit.
Zeke: Okay come on everyone, let's just play another hand. Mom won this hand, she can have the money.
Dave: This is ridiculous! Camille, do you want a grape?
Me: Huh, do I want a drink? What kind of drink.
Dave: A good kind.
Me: *goes into the family room* Oh, you said a grape. I thought you said a drink.
Mom: Oh, do you want a drink? I can make you a screw driver.
Me: Um, no thanks. I'll have a smoothie if you want to make one though.
Mom: Oh, with vodka in it?
Me: No, just a smoothie...
Grandma: Everyone always ignores me like I don't even matter! I should have known we couldn't play cards without you getting up, Renee (my mom). You always do this to me!
I left shortly after that. I never got my smoothie... Then, this was a different time in the past few days.
Grandma: *completely out of the blue, they weren't even having a conversation* Steven (my husband), I still say you should get a vasectomy. It's much easier than Cami (me) getting her tubes tied.
Steven: We want more kids.
Grandma: No, you have your hands full. Just have them do a vasectomy.
Steven: This is something for Camille and I to decide together.
Grandma: Okay then, just keep your pecker to yourself. At least wait until Cami gets her degree!
Then, yesterday, we're in the car. It's sort of a long story why my brother, grandma, husband, daughter, and I were all going food shopping together, but just accept that we were. First and last time we ever do that!
Zeke: *free style rapping about saggy grandma boobs*
Grandma: I hear you talking about me! I heard you say "grandma" twice.
Me: He's just singing a song about grandmas in general. It's not specifically about you.
Zeke: It is specifically about her.
Zeke: "Yo, Grandma's boobs sag to the flo' but Grandpa don't care, he's ready to go!"
Steven: *silent, as a rule he does not talk and tries to meditate whenever he is in the car with any of my family members*
Kaylee: *asleep, luckily, or she'd be repeating the boob rap, and that's all I need when she already does the Kanye West rap from the song ET by Katy Perry*