So I am late... Again... Second month in a row. I hate it because I know I'm not pregnant, but I could be, but I know I'm probably not, but this, but that. Thoughts chase themselves around my head until I am a horrible mixture of excited and terrified. I hate it and it makes me want to stop trying to have anymore kids. Knowing that I can't know what's in store drives me crazy. Being forced to live each day moment by moment, with little to no control over many of the things that happen, can be maddening. But to tell the truth, it also makes me all the more grateful for the little moments of joy each day.
Lately, every time I look at Kaylee, I am hit with the realization that she is just such a gift. Somehow I love her even more, now that I know firsthand how fragile life can be. I cherish her so much, even when she is grouchy, just because she is here and she is mine. I can reach out and touch her soft little head any time I want to and I never want to take that for granted.
I am so afraid to be pregnant again... I don't know if I can stand losing another baby. But fear, loss, pain, uncertainty... All of those things fade away when I'm looking at Kaylee, and all that is left is love, hope, and faith. And I know I want to try again, at least one more time, no matter how much of an emotional roller coaster it puts me through.