Late

So I am late... Again... Second month in a row. I hate it because I know I'm not pregnant, but I could be, but I know I'm probably not, but this, but that. Thoughts chase themselves around my head until I am a horrible mixture of excited and terrified. I hate it and it makes me want to stop trying to have anymore kids. Knowing that I can't know what's in store drives me crazy. Being forced to live each day moment by moment, with little to no control over many of the things that happen, can be maddening. But to tell the truth, it also makes me all the more grateful for the little moments of joy each day.

Lately, every time I look at Kaylee, I am hit with the realization that she is just such a gift. Somehow I love her even more, now that I know firsthand how fragile life can be. I cherish her so much, even when she is grouchy, just because she is here and she is mine. I can reach out and touch her soft little head any time I want to and I never want to take that for granted.

I am so afraid to be pregnant again... I don't know if I can stand losing another baby. But fear, loss, pain, uncertainty... All of those things fade away when I'm looking at Kaylee, and all that is left is love, hope, and faith. And I know I want to try again, at least one more time, no matter how much of an emotional roller coaster it puts me through.

4 comments :

Mamaw Bee said...

Camille, my prayers will be with you that if you are expecting, God will bless you with another miracle. My niece suffered several miscarriages between her first and second child and found out that her folic acid level was low and that was what was causing the miscarriages. They gave her a folic acide vitamin and prenatal vitamins and when she got pregnant again, carried full term and delivered a wonderfully health, bouncing baby boy. It might not hurt to ask about having that checked out. Blessings to you and your precious family.

heather @ new house, new home, new life said...

Hi Camille - such an exhausting time when you are hoping that this time it will be. It's easy for me to say.....but try not to think about it. Stay busy with other things. I know, too pragmatic for a Sunday morning.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you wait to see if this is the month that you get some good news.

Laundry Girl said...

So sorry for your loss. I have not experienced this but my close friend has. I've watched how lost she became. Praying that you will be blessed with another miracle.
Laundry Care

Barbe @ Beez Rental Designs said...

Just keep praying that God will bless you with whatever is best for you and your family and continue to give you the strength to endure disappointments. You are in my prayers. I think you are a loving and wonderful person even though we've only met. If I can see it, so can God! : )