Birth Center Appointment
We get there, and we're late. The secretary hates me because I'm always late. I'm soo stressed. I talk to her about the insurance problem. She has to make a call. It takes forever. Finally, we work things out for the most part, and I'm going to be seen. She gives me a bunch of forms. I'm nauseous and worried. I keep filling stuff out wrong. There are a million trillion forms. I finish them, and we wait. My mom compliments someone's shoes and talks to someone's baby. I'm holding in my pee because I'm pretty sure they'll need me to pee in a cup. I feel like I'm about to throw up.
A midwife comes out and calls us to come into an exam room. She has a million questions, all of which I answered less than 6 months ago with my last pregnancy. I can't remember the dates of anything. I can't do simple math. I can't remember when I first got my period. My mom answers most of the questions. I feel panicky.
Finally, I get on the table. The midwife, her name is Nikki, is very nice. I haven't met her before, she wasn't there when I was pregnant with Kaylee. I thought to myself that she must think I'm weird and/or stupid, but I don't really care. Anyway, my blood pressure is high. I tell her that this is normal for me because I have white coat phobia. So we move on, FINALLY, to the doppler. She begins to search for a heartbeat, and I swear time was passing SO SLOWLY. I was too afraid to be hopeful, too busy preparing myself for disappointment.
Then, we hear it. It's a heartbeat. I forget what the midwife said, and I know my mom was really excited, but I had tuned them out. My entire conscious is focused on that little heartbeat. I'm so relieved, so surprised, so happy. I'm in shock, smiling, my eyes filling with tears. It's too good to be true.
I get up, I feel like I'm floating out of the office. I'm not very polite in saying goodbyes. I did thank her twice. We make another appointment. I feel very detached and stupid. We go to the car. My mom is still really excited. I agree with her that it was amazing. I relax, feeling like it's the first time in years. I can't stop thinking about that beautiful sound. And I haven't since.
I'm still worried, but I'm hopeful. And that's definitely a step up from how it's been for the past couple months.
The midwife determined I was 12 weeks and my due date is November 28 (my birthday!) but I have to get an ultrasound and they'll base my final dates on that. I should be getting that in the next couple weeks. I'm so excited and scared. I can't wait to see the baby. :) I just wish I could stop worrying that something will be wrong.