So Happy

I found out I was pregnant with Kaylee when I was 20 years old. Steven was 18, lived 2 hours away from me, and we'd only known each other for a year. I lived with my mom in an anything but baby friendly house. I didn't have health insurance or a job. Steven didn't have a job either.

This time, when I found out I was pregnant, it was after more than a year of trying to conceive and 2 miscarriages. Steven and I are in their early twenties and we've been married for 3 years. He has a good job and we all have health insurance (except for recently when I did not have insurance because it was time to renew it and it took a few weeks to process).

During my pregnancy with Kaylee, I remember feeling like this. Full of love and joy, like I just can't wait to meet my baby and hold it in my arms. But the feeling is not exactly the same. When I was pregnant with Kaylee, there were so many unknowns. I was constantly stressed, trying to get everything ready, and worried that things wouldn't be set by the time she was born. Then there was the fact that everyone was judging me and I felt a huge pressure to prove to everyone else and myself that we'd be good parents.

I do look back on the pregnancy fondly, because I was growing our beautiful daughter in my belly. I loved feeling her kick, seeing her on the sonogram, finding out she was a girl. I loved seeing Steven step up and finish high school, get his license, and drive up to be with me as soon as he could. I think during that pregnancy is when I truly fell in love with him. But at the same time... When I think back on that time, I think of stress. I was miserable a lot of the time, so worried about being a good mom, and feeling guilty for getting pregnant when we weren't prepared. Especially the first and second trimester, when Steven had not yet moved in with me, I felt so alone and depressed.

This pregnancy, I'm appreciating it so much more. Stress is not overshadowing the joy. I love knowing that we planned this baby together and we can go through every step of it together. I'm really grateful that I get to experience pregnancy again in a much more positive way. And it's a huge relief to not be judged by anyone and everyone. It's more accepted and "normal" for me to be pregnant now. I know I shouldn't care what others think so much, but that can be very hard for me, especially when I have a lot of insecurities and think that everyone may be right.

I've come so far from the girl I used to be. I only wish I could go back and tell myself that things would be ok. I wish I could have given myself a glimpse of the amazing life I have today.


Carole said…
Lovely post. Have a great week.
Michelle said…
This is such an awesome post Camille. I remember my parents always telling me that it would be okay, I didn't believe them, but of course they were right.
That's so inspiring :). We all wish we could tell our younger selves that things will turn out ok, don't we? What matters is where you're at now. You are loved, and blissfully blessed :)
Carole said…
Camille, thanks for stopping by and commenting on the cryptic clue - one small hint - the first 3 letters of the solution are a 3 letter word that means "illuminated"....
Very lovely post to read. I was the same with my first. I was so stressed and wanted everything to be right. Now I have had four and I am a much more relaxed mum! :) I am now following via GFC.
Beautiful post! I was 19 when I had my first. Then 21 for my 2nd and 22 for my 3rd.... I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that I would get through it OK. You can now give others that strength. Things were much different when I had my 4th and 5th. I was 30 and 33. LOL
Oh, and I have a Cailey! ;)
Good luck!!!
The Mom said…
It is so hard when you are a young mom, I was 18 with my first, 21 with my second, and 26 when I had my final baby. I was single with my first but I met my hubby when my first was 4 months old and he fell in love with us both. It is amazing how different the second pregnancy was but even more with the third. I am thankful that I was able to experience each of them in different ways and each made me more thankful for my life now. I look back and the life of stress and uncertainty I was living then is so different than the one I am living now. It is pretty amazing. Each stage that we go through teaches us a new strength, a few new lessons and allows us to be grateful for what we have now. Enjoy this pregnancy!
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