I found out I was pregnant with Kaylee when I was 20 years old. Steven was 18, lived 2 hours away from me, and we'd only known each other for a year. I lived with my mom in an anything but baby friendly house. I didn't have health insurance or a job. Steven didn't have a job either.
This time, when I found out I was pregnant, it was after more than a year of trying to conceive and 2 miscarriages. Steven and I are in their early twenties and we've been married for 3 years. He has a good job and we all have health insurance (except for recently when I did not have insurance because it was time to renew it and it took a few weeks to process).
During my pregnancy with Kaylee, I remember feeling like this. Full of love and joy, like I just can't wait to meet my baby and hold it in my arms. But the feeling is not exactly the same. When I was pregnant with Kaylee, there were so many unknowns. I was constantly stressed, trying to get everything ready, and worried that things wouldn't be set by the time she was born. Then there was the fact that everyone was judging me and I felt a huge pressure to prove to everyone else and myself that we'd be good parents.
I do look back on the pregnancy fondly, because I was growing our beautiful daughter in my belly. I loved feeling her kick, seeing her on the sonogram, finding out she was a girl. I loved seeing Steven step up and finish high school, get his license, and drive up to be with me as soon as he could. I think during that pregnancy is when I truly fell in love with him. But at the same time... When I think back on that time, I think of stress. I was miserable a lot of the time, so worried about being a good mom, and feeling guilty for getting pregnant when we weren't prepared. Especially the first and second trimester, when Steven had not yet moved in with me, I felt so alone and depressed.
This pregnancy, I'm appreciating it so much more. Stress is not overshadowing the joy. I love knowing that we planned this baby together and we can go through every step of it together. I'm really grateful that I get to experience pregnancy again in a much more positive way. And it's a huge relief to not be judged by anyone and everyone. It's more accepted and "normal" for me to be pregnant now. I know I shouldn't care what others think so much, but that can be very hard for me, especially when I have a lot of insecurities and think that everyone may be right.
I've come so far from the girl I used to be. I only wish I could go back and tell myself that things would be ok. I wish I could have given myself a glimpse of the amazing life I have today.